The Walzer of Black Swan

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At around 6:40 in the morning, I leaned against the eaves of the window, the cold breeze was making me so lethargic. Lethargic in a way like… after unsubsidised dizzying highs, you find yourself admiring a colossal hollow lake, with or without company, you just feel disconnected with even your own hands.

The sky was green.

I was staring at the trees inside of the garden of the Denetons, on the other side of the street, they were perfectly inclined in a symmetrical way and I hated it because they shouldn’t be like that.. I saw Ms. Deneton rolled up the curtains and I shook my head getting disturbed about the idea that I was angry with the trees, but I just couldn’t control my feeling, I hated it when I couldn’t control stuff, even though I knew it was the hate that controlled me the whole time. The wind was blowing harder and I realised I was standing in my underwear, I went to the bedroom to pick up the pants of Ken, he just left it here last week.

I put those oversized pants on and suddenly something dropped from its side pocket: a business card. 

I took it and read: “Daisy D.”

Daisy D... she was the girl who was playing Poker the last night with Ken, I started to picture her so clearly inside of my head: dark eyes.. red lipstick, kinda vintage.. she was the one who taught me there was such a thing as the PPP, the Professional Poker Player. I turned the business card on the other side and obviously there was those 3 big capital letters: P.P.P. I smiled.

I remember having the weirdest night of my life inside that room, which was big enough just to fit the poker table and 4-5 chairs. I arrived with Ken around 8pm and Daisy got my attention immediately, because she was smoking a cigarette and laughing hysterically, sitting on a big muscle guy who was Tom. Later I figured out that Tom was the dumbest player comparing to the others. He had a ridiculous T-shirt with a shape of piece of puzzle burning in the blue fire. Then we had Mr.Bean, it wasn’t his real name but he had this purple tie and the suit color peanut so we called him Mr. Bean.

I really hated that room because it was full of smoke and smell of something between beer and cheap wines. 

Daisy got up and walked to us “Hey Ken, hey…”

“Lily, Lily Brown” I said.

“Daisy, he is Tom, and that guy overdaar on the corner, you can call him Mr.Bean.” she ended up to laugh for no reason.

I faked a bright smile, hoping anyone there would ever notice my wish to leave.

“You look flawless miss Brown, I’m enchanted to meet you.”Mr.Bean smiled from his corner.

I smiled back and got embarrassed, not because of his compliments, but it was all that attention on me making me feel like transparent which was awkward. I didn’t like the transparency on me, but I liked to see through people, and for what I’ve seen, Mr.Bean wasn’t a theatrical character as one might see, but it was a mask. What’s the difference between being an actor and having a mask on? One is contradictory and the other is hypocritical. What’s the difference between being contradictory and being hypocritical? One means you can let both sides of you coexist, good or not, the other means that you pretend to be someone else with a mask on your face which is the layer that would keep your inner self alive. Mr.Bean, was a mask, and he should definitely stop to looking at me.

“Can I put my coat here?” I asked Daisy. “Sure, I adoooore brocade” She took my jacket.

 

I sat next to Ken.

The game started when Tom finished to distribute the last card on the table. 

“Guess what? Sweet Caroline -Q♦-” Daisy started to sing, Mr.Bean looked at her hands which was typing on the table with her thin fingers and sexy french-cut nails, he took a breath, kept his eyes locked on hers. His belief system is faster than standard, because people usually tend to believe information they hear from whoever, then if there is chance in the future they go check if that was real. But Mr. Bean was different, he knew there wouldn’t be a near future to verify the information, there was only Sweet Caroline -Q♦- or Flower Queen -Q♣-, he needed to figure it out instantly.  “Come on, skin in the game!” everyone was urged by her ringing voice. Mr.Bean got a clear sign from her hands somehow and said, “I’ll pass”, Tom followed him and Ken did too. Daisy snorted and lit up another cigarette. 

Daisy asked me if I wanted a cigarette as well I said “No, thank you”

Daisy wasn’t a bad person, you know, but she got something so spontaneous and lovely and it made me want to just instinctively… destroy it. Or better, devour it entirely like a boa, then feel her lovely voice inside of me saying whatever I want her to say, so in a way I become lovely too. Maybe I was just not that lovely? This poker game started to make me disoriented. 

“Guys, one-eyed royals -K♦-/-J♠-/J♥-” Tom became suddenly the calmest person in the room. Daisy bet half of her money while the other two remained indifferent at Tom’s turn. Tom took all her money. Daisy wasn’t upset for it, she was driving me angry. How can someone not having reaction by losing money? I just didn’t get her logic.

 

I interrupted my thoughts because the wind blew the window open. I went to close it and saw Mrs Deneton was fighting with her cat. 

Absolutely, hilarious.

I went to the kitchen to made a hot black tea. While the kettle was whistling, I remember looking out of window, the sky was still green, and it started to rain. Maybe you need to feel hot water that warms up your hands to appreciate the cold water dripping from the sky. The coldness could be a tedious background indeed, if you insist to look at a rainy day from the outside, I thought, and poured a bit of milk inside my cup of tea, but if you come a little closer, maybe it is not that bad. I followed my own advice and went close to the windows: the water droplets fell like so careless about whatever it was happening on this planet, they just fell, and that was so simple, because they do only one action, and “When you do only one damn thing, you don’t need to hesitate isn’t it?” the voice of Daisy guided me back to the last night. 

She said it with an amused expression while taking a sip of her beer leaving the print of her raspberry red lipstick on the edge of the glass. I was jealous of her beautiful full lips, they weren’t like something put on display in a vulgar way, but cute and juicy enough to made me want to know how they tasted like. 

“Of course, my dear” Mr. Bean replied gently. 

 

He got this deep voice which was part of his mask that excited me somehow, like the tension of standing in front of a distorted mirror, that provokes your mind to stay in between the desire to visually fix your deformed body and the one that tries to accept it. 

Then the only noise inside the room was Tom playing with the corner of his card by bending it with his index finger, compulsively and incessantly.

I finally noticed that Tom was wearing an engagement ring.

Then nobody talked again after Mr.Bean claimed “Red Balloons -9♦- 9♥-”.

 

There was silence. 

The silence wasn’t a break, it wasn’t the background, it wasn’t a trick, no it wasn’t any of those things, but it was a part of the game. 

Daisy was sitting on her chair with her head inclined on her shoulder, with a passive expression on her face, just like a dead fish, staring at her deck of cards but she never faced them up this turn. Time was ticking and she was just laying with that cozy position, lazy as a cat, cold as a stone. 

Time was ticking while Mr.Bean was silently smoking, he switched his sight constantly between Daisy and me, but it wasn’t provocative, it was more like waiting for one of us to follow his sight. And I did, because I was waiting too, waiting to see a small crack from his mask. 

I felt the silence was drowning my brain, eating my soul, but the stillness was necessary, having the cold blood is an essential quality to have for a Professional Poker Player, right?

Daisy changed her position, she poured some Martini in her glass, then elegantly, crossed her legs and returned to stare at her deck of cards without any expressions on her face.

Tom kept playing with the corner of his card, and he touched Daisy’s leg under the table. Daisy smiled, confidently. 

Someone was lying.

Tom wasn’t engaged and Daisy didn’t know her cards to have all that confidence on her face, because she never watched them from the very beginning. Why those people are lying about things that had nothing to do with a card game? They were lying where there was no need to lie and that made the whole room a huge uncanny box with no escape route, because everyone was trapped in it. 

 

Suddenly my wish for someone to break the silence vanished into some wild thoughts, I wanted to see instead, who was controlling the devices and who would got the upper hand. 

Mr.Bean took a tissue and folded it, and started to clean his mouth, while there was clearly nothing on it. Daisy took off her black silky shawl, showing her collarbones and started to scratch her neck like a mosquito just bit her. Mr.Bean’s phone vibrated but he just ignored it completely as he didn’t have a phone inside of his pocket. Tom touched his engagement ring while staring off into space. Mr.Bean touched his ring finger too without rings. Daisy sneezed. Mr.Bean licked his lips.

Suddenly Tom smiled and took one token coin and put it in the middle of the table. Mr.Bean’s phone was vibrating again. “Mommy is calling you?” naughty voice of Daisy broke the silence. Mr.Bean took his phone and he muted it and put it back in his pocket without watching it. “Mommy is calling me at the wrong moment I guess” he smiled. His mother must have a very strange relationship with a son like this, I thought. I took a sip from Ken’s glass of wine, trying to picture his mother’s face. I was holding the glass, and my hands were shaking, I realized, I couldn’t picture his mother's face. Why I couldn’t picture his mother’s face? I tried harder... but I was just not able to even imagine a female figure in my head. I felt the more I tried the more it was impossible, something was splitting me in a half. 

I was justifying him. 

His mother wasn’t calling him.

I closed my eyes and reopened it again, I found the connection in the blink of an eye: that was the moment I knew, every lies were like a piece of sand paper, it smooths your defense wall off slowly, softly, until your guard was fragile enough to let a colossal lie seep in just under your nose. Of course you are split if someone tells you that the sky is green and you just believe in it somehow. I cracked my neck and took another sip from Ken’s wine glass, ready for the game.

 

The silence persisted for another while, Daisy was putting a new layer of red lipstick on, she didn’t look like she was having any intentions to figure out the identity of her cards. This girl just drove me mad in an unexplainable way. What was she trying to show? That the identity of her cards was not important to play the game? I hate it when I don’t understand how people function. I had the impulse to take her lipstick and draw a huge red question mark on her forehead, yeah.. that would make me feel definitely better. 

She put her lipstick away and went back to her lazy position, impassively, watching at her deck of cards. 

Mr.Bean looked at her cards on the table too, pinched his mouth, and raised his left eyebrow.

Daisy inclined her body and looked at Mr.Bean “Tell me a joke about balloons and I’ll bet the rest of my money” she said.

She didn’t care about rules, she was playing the rules. 

I lost control.

“Miss Daisy, may you forgive me.. but why don’t you check your cards first?” I forced my anger to turn into a worried face.

She tilted her head back: “I might lose anyways, Lily!”

“Maybe you would have more chances if you know how do your cards look like? Don’t you care about losing all that money?” I insisted.

“She is addicted to money!” Tom chuckled childishly. Daisy looked at him and winked while making a duck face. 

I must be looking very confused because Daisy watched my face and said, as she owned me an answer: “How can you plan to be addicted to money, without planning to lose it?”

I smiled, I smiled because of the none sense, I smiled because of hate. 

“Daisy, two balloons were floating around a desert, one said to the other, look! a cactussssssssssssss…” Mr.Bean shook his head down like a dying balloon. “This is...STUPID AS HELL!” Daisy laughed like a 10 years old girl and threw all her token coins on him. 

Mr.Bean upturned the corners of his mouth while looking at her with sparks in his eyes, like a tougher player, like a hunter. I looked at Daisy, she was pumping her arms, waiting for him to face up his cards, with her glowing face, fluttering eyelashes. I hate her transparency, how can a person be so transparent, was she not scared to be tricked by the bad people? Or by someone like Mr.Bean?

Mr.Bean upturned his nose, faced his cards up: there wasn’t a Red Balloon -9♦- 9♥-, but a Suicide King - K♥- .

Daisy lost everything.

Tom laughed hysterically. Daisy made a sad face.

“Have you guys ever seen someone dumber than this woman? Ken? Mr.Bean? Lily?” the loud and assertive voice of Tom was involving everyone arrogantly.

Daisy raised her chin, then her head slightly downturned while she was maintaining eye contact with Tom: ”Tommy-Tommy boy! Do you have any talent? Because your talent… is also your most powerful weapon nobody ever told you that?” She stood up and walked behind his chair, “If you are strong, you can frighten people with your muscles” she slipped her arms down from his shoulders, “if you are pretty, you can seduce anyone you want to” her finger followed gently the line of his chin, “and if you are a dancer, then you just.. dance!” 

Daisy jumped on the table and started to dance, she was waving slowly with her body and inside her tight black dress, her shapes appeared to be so clearly in the backlit. She just looked like a black swan.

Or the shadow of an ordinary swan.

Tom was laughing in the background as if he was thirsty for this show.

Mr.Bean meanwhile, was smiling like a robot, the robotic expression was the crack of his mask I was waiting to see. Daisy looked towards me and she wrinkled her nose to me, I burst out laughing. “Mr.Bean, how can you hunt a shadow?” I thought.

 

 

I went to open the window because it stopped raining. I was wondering what was Ken doing, but maybe that wasn’t important. I walked to the kitchen to make another black tea with milk. I sat down and held the cup and took again Daisy’s business card, I looked at it and decided to throw it in the trash bag. 

 

The P.P.P sounded like the highest notes on the keyboard, reminding me that innocence, was a choice.